


'let me leave my soul to burn'

by 80sGayTrashGoblin



Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Galaxy Garrison, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murder, Suicide Attempt, please mind the warnings, so there's that, the asshole gets murdered though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25641355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/80sGayTrashGoblin/pseuds/80sGayTrashGoblin
Summary: Hunk was confused. Pidge was confused. Lance was confused. Even Sven, who was Keith’s best friend (and Lance was pretty sure they were fucking on the side too), was confused.“Since when did Keith have a boyfriend?” Hunk asked. They were sitting at their usual table, the four of them crowded around. Keith was sitting at a separate table, some guy’s arm over his shoulders.The conversation faded into the background as Lance took the time to look at him closer. His bags were heavy under his eyes, but what stuck out most to Lance was that Keith looked really uncomfortable.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	'let me leave my soul to burn'

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is way darker than I usually go. Please heed the content warnings, and don't read if it's gonna trigger you. Stay safe. 
> 
> Also I apologize to all my Tumblr mutuals who I tortured by vague-posting about the story while I was writing it. 
> 
> This is based on the song 'Addict' by Silva Hound (yes, I know the lyrics scream Lance, but my heart screamed Keith, okay? He's my favorite to hurt, I'm sorry)(and yes, that's where the title's from)

To say that Keith was tired was an understatement. 

He was constantly studying for the next test. When he wasn’t doing that, he was doing the odd job to cover his Garrison tuition and to support his mother in poverty. When he wasn’t doing that, he was bailing his friends out of whatever stupid shit they got into this time, whether with his words or with his hard earned cash. 

They don’t understand how hard he works. They don’t understand what he suffers in order to get their bail money. They don’t know he works: when he makes excuses to leave, they all assume he’s studying. And he does. He studies during lunch, breaks from work, dinner, all night. He takes Sundays off of everything to just sleep. He has a caffeine addiction for a reason. 

He’s at the Garrison for one reason: his grades. If those drop, he’ll also be dropped, and he’ll still owe thousands. Yes, a scholarship helps, but it doesn’t cover everything. He’s nothing at this school without his grades. 

He knows how everyone saw him: as a stick in the mud who was too anxious for his own good and needed to loosen up a little. But he couldn’t. Not without losing his place in the Garrison. The anxiety was getting to him. He’s stopped hanging out with the others. He’s even gotten to a point where he feels a physical pain in his chest and a perpetual headache. 

But it was worth it. The rest of his life may be falling apart, but at least his grades were still high. 

...

It was not worth it. His grades were slipping. 

The anxiety was now affecting his concentration, his performance, his productivity. If something could remove it, he would be so much happier and more productive. Because that’s all he was. Productive. 

Honestly, Keith was at a point where he would start taking some of Pidge’s weed. 

* * *

Hunk was confused. Pidge was confused. Lance was confused. Even Sven, who was Keith’s best friend (and Lance was pretty sure they were fucking on the side too), was confused. 

“Since when did Keith have a boyfriend?” Hunk asked. They were sitting at their usual table, the four of them crowded around. Keith was sitting at a separate table, some guy’s arm over his shoulders. 

The conversation faded into the background as Lance took the time to look at him closer. His bags were heavy under his eyes, but what stuck out most to Lance was that Keith looked really uncomfortable. 

“He’s been less anxious, and happier though,” Sven muttered. “If it’s helping him, then it's probably fine.” 

“What do you think, Lance?” Pidge asked, probably seeing that Lance has sort of checked out. 

“Look at him though,” Lance muttered. “He’s clearly uncomfortable.”

“You’re right about that.” 

“I don’t understand. He’s happier, but clearly uncomfortable with him. What’s going on?” 

* * *

They remained confused for a while. They learned the mystery guy’s name: Jack. And he’s a jackass. Never brought Keith flowers, or chocolates, or even took him on dates really. Yet Keith really has been happier. His studying time has been cut down, he’s started hanging out with the group again, and he’s smiled more. His grades have picked back up again, which seemed to keep the teacher’s worried eyes off of him, even if the bags under his eyes were still as deep as they were before. 

And the only reason Lance was still pissed was because Jack was being a shitty boyfriend to his best friend. That’s it. Really. 

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Sven said over the phone. 

“Shut up Sven.” Lance ran his fingers through his hair. He was currently leaned over his desk, trying to get his Trig homework to finally make sense. Pidge was out doing whatever the fuck he does, Hunk was working on his Engineering project down in the Garrison garages, Keith was out with Jack, and Sven was ‘sick.’ (Sick of Lance’s bullshit, more likely) So Lance was left to study alone in his dorm, with Sven over the phone as the only source of relief from this nightmare. 

“Now you’re being overdramatic.” 

“Shut up Sven!” 

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“I’ll be right back,” Lance muttered as he put his phone down. “I’m coming!” 

He opened the door to see Keith, standing there in the doorway. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind, arms wrapped around himself. But what stood out the most were the bruises around his neck. 

“Holy shit Keith.” Lance grabbed his friend’s arm and brought him inside their dorm, kicking the door closed behind them. “What did he do to you?” 

Keith flopped down on the bed, curling up on his side with a sob. Lance sat down next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He was no good with emotional stuff like this. 

“I- It- It happened so fast.” Keith’s eyes watered up, curling up more. “We went to his dorm for a movie. He- He wanted to have sex. I didn’t. So he- he-”

Dots were connecting in Lance’s mind, and he really didn’t like where this was going. “Keith,” he said as gently as he possibly could, “Did he rape you?” His stomach dropped when Keith just meekly nodded. 

“Holy shit, I’m gonna kill that fucker-” Lance cut himself off, trying to remind himself about where he was. “Do you need anything? A shower, a hug-? Oof!” 

Keith had cannon-balled into Lance’s side, gripping his side like a lifeline. He buried his face into Lance’s sweater, and Lance awkwardly returned the hug. He didn’t move an inch.

**BANG! BANG! BANG!**

“Lance! Are you alive?!” Sven’s voice was muffled through the door. 

“Oh shit, I left Sven on the phone.” Lance allowed himself one moment to panic about his mistakes, before he shouted “I’m alive Sven, you can come in!” 

Sven opened the door, just blinking at what was going on, before closing it behind him. “Keith, are you alright?” 

“Uh…” Lance just looked at him. 

“Yeah, that was kind of a stupid question.” Sven pulled over a chair to their bed, a shitty folding chair that Lance got in their first month of being at the Academy.

“Do you want me to tell him or should I tell him?” Lance asked Keith, who just shook his head. “Okay. There’s no good way to say this-”

“Lance.”

“Jack raped Keith.” 

It was so silent, you could hear a pin drop. Then, Sven muttered “Oh shit.” 

“I’m going to kill the fucker-” 

“You are not going to kill Jack.” 

“Why not?!” 

“You cannot pull off a murder!” 

“Then what are we going to do?!” 

Lance paused in his argument as he could feel Keith dig his fingers into his side. Keith pulled himself up, limply falling on Lance’s side as he resumed hugging him like Lance was an oversized teddy bear.

“Keith?” Lance asked hesitantly, wrapping an arm around Keith’s side. “You okay?” 

“I’m alright,” Keith shivered. “I need to take a shower.” 

“Keith?” Sven scooted his chair a little closer. “Can we tell the others?” 

Keith nodded, then pushed himself up, walking to the bathroom. The two boys looked at each other, before Sven pulled out his phone. 

* * *

Pidge snuck out of Jack’s apartment, his hands painted with clear nail polish and a syringe in his hand. He had heard the news about Keith, and did some research about Jack. Apparently he runs a heroin ring, so poking a syringe in his arm and simulating a heart attack was the best bet, especially since the syringe entrance will be disregarded as just another injection site.

He turned invisible, moving through the hallways without being seen by the security cameras. He buried the syringe in the dirt outside, before peeling off the clear nail polish and burying that too. 

Sneaking through bushes and slipping around security cameras, he hopped up window sills until he reached Keith and Lance’s dorm. He rapped on the door, and Hunk quickly opened the window. 

“Can you just enter the building like a normal person?” Hunk asked, closing the window behind them. 

Pidge snorted. “Hunk, you’ve known me for two years now, when do I do anything normally- Ooh! Cheese!” 

Hunk rolled his eyes as Pidge snagged a cheese cube off a platter. Hunk was returning to his seat, where he was sitting on an old folding chair while Sven sat on a spinny office chair. Keith and Lance sat on their bed, with Keith in a big sweater and a blanket around him and eating a pint of ice cream straight from the tub. And in the kitchen was…

“Hi Keith’s mom!” Pidge waved from his spot on top of the small table, continuing to pick off cheese cubes from the cheese and cracker plate. “Hi Keith.” 

Keith waved with his ice cream spoon, before continuing to eat ice cream. Keith’s mom smiled from the kitchen, stirring a pot of something that smells delightful. “Hello Pidge! I’m making miso soup for everyone.” 

Pidge grinned, but faltered as he looked over at Keith. He got off the table, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Keith? Can I give you a hug?” 

Keith nodded, handing over the empty tub to Lance. Pidge scooted over, slowly wrapping his arms around Keith’s chest. Keith was really tense, but he slowly eased up, before returning the hug. 

“You alright, Chief?” Pidge asked, hating how small he sounded. 

Keith sighed, resting his head on Pidge’s. “I think I’ll be alright.” 

* * *

He was not alright. 

The news broadcasted the next day that they found Jack in his dorm, who died because of a heart attack after taking too much heroin. He suspected Pidge was behind that, but he didn’t say anything (what would he say anyways, ‘thanks for killing my horrible ex?’). They found out a few days later of Jack’s heroin stache, and of his drug business.

Keith had already taken most of what he needed by then. 

He hid it in his dresser, as Lance would never go through his stuff and the Garrison liked him too much to suspect him of anything illegal. He’s become a ghost: it was harder to get money to come in, his mind was often foggy and light-headed, and he was becoming paler. He supposed that that was the result of both his caffeine and heroin abuse, but the only way that he was able to keep his grades was because of it. 

He knew the others were worried about him. But he was good at pretending to be fine. He was good at pretending that there wasn’t this constant lingering feeling of filth underneath his skin. He was good at pretending that he didn’t have the voices in his head telling him to die. He was good at pretending that he hadn’t set himself on fire in order to try and keep his head afloat. 

He loaded up, injecting himself and taking another sip of his espresso before trying to focus on the textbook below him. 

* * *

“Hey, do you know what’s up with Kogane?” Jeff asked, sitting down next to Lance at the lunch table. 

“And what’s it to you?” Lance snapped, then rubbed his eyes to clear the growing headache.

“Look, I know it looks like I hate his guts,” Jeff said, shifting nervously from side to side. “But I’m not heartless. I’m pretty sure everyone’s noticed what’s going on with him, he’s practically become a ghost. And you don’t look so good yourself, Lance.” 

Lance sighed, stabbing a piece of broccoli halfheartedly before shoving it in his mouth. “Whaddya know?” 

“He’s been real pale, and hasn’t been showing up to lunch, or really anything except classes. And he never takes off his jacket, even for Gym. And he goes up onto the roof sometimes-”

“He does what?” Lance whipped his head around, before becoming aware of his reaction and ducking his head back down. 

“Yeah, he’ll just go up there and then come back down. I don’t know what he’s doing-”

“What building?” 

“You’re guys’ dorms. He usually goes up there during meal times, I notice when I go get McDonald's for Cliff-”

Lance remembered someone else, a different boy, older than him but still family. He remembers a body dangling from the rafters with a noose around his neck. He remembers the first time he spent the Fourth of July without his brother, and makes a decision. 

“Woah, you okay-?” 

Lance pushed himself up, ignoring his chair falling over behind him. “I’ve got to hurry. You can eat my lunch if you want to.” Leaving a very confused Jeff behind him, he left as fast as he could, hoping he wasn’t too late. 

* * *

By the time Lance had clambered up the ladder to the rooftop, he saw Keith standing by the edge, the wind blowing his hair majestically. In any other context, he might’ve thought that Keith was beautiful, but he was too terrified to care. 

“Keith!” Lance shouted.

It must have snapped him out of whatever reverie he was in, because he turned around, his eyes wide and frantic. “Lance! What are you doing here?!” 

“I should be asking you that!” Lance started to walk forward slowly, scared that one wrong move would send his friend over the edge. 

He clammed up, looking away from Lance, tensing up. But Lance has been around Keith for long enough that sometimes you need to push in order to get where you needed to. 

“Keith, please! We’ve all been worried about you. You’ve been skipping meals, you’ve been holing up in your room or out doing god knows what. And I know you need time to recover, but you don’t have to do it alone!” 

“I can’t do it!” Keith shouted. The silence was deafening, the wind whistling around them. “God, Lance, I’m trying. I’m trying to keep my grades up. I’m trying to get the money I need to pay my tuition, or to help my mom, or to bail you out of whatever stupid shit you’ve done this time. I’m trying to live with the fact that my life is fucked up, and I’m a fuck up. But I can’t anymore! I’m tired of feeling my heart skip beats, I’m tired of having to stay up for hours in order to cram, I’m tired of the feeling of dirt under my skin. I’m just tired.” 

Keith dropped his head, and Lance could see the tears in his eyes, on his face. Lance walked over, gently grabbing Keith and walking backwards, away from the edge, before leading them to sit down. 

“Please, no more secrets,” Lance said, begging at this point. “We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on.” 

“I don’t know if you can,” Keith muttered, his eyes still trained on the ground. Or, more accurately, at his hands, which Lance was still holding. And was not going to let go of. 

“Give us a chance to. Please.” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I can’t lose you too.” 

Keith inhaled sharply, looking up to meet his eyes. Lance continued. “I had an older brother. Dante. He was the one who encouraged my love of space, of the stars, of flying. This is his jacket. But one day, we found that he had hung himself. He didn’t even leave a note explaining why. He was just gone.” 

Lance closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to collect himself. “I’m sorry, Lance,” Keith muttered, guilt laced in his voice. 

“Don’t apologize.” Lance shook his head, scooting towards the other boy. “Just, talk to me. Please.” 

Keith took a few moments to breathe, shaky and uneven as it was, then began to talk. “It all started piling on when my grades began to drop. I was working multiple jobs on the side, it’s why I wasn’t going to the group study sessions, and I was trying to cram study whenever I could. But I was constantly anxious, and it made me lose focus. I couldn’t remember things, I couldn’t focus on what I was reading, my grades slipped. And if my grades dropped too much, I would be kicked out.” 

Despite everything within him wanting to speak, Lance kept his mouth shut. It was better to let Keith get it all out, then talk afterwards. “It was then that Jack approached me with a deal. He would get me heroin to erase my anxiety, as long as I pretended to be his boyfriend. I agreed, and it was working for a while. My grades came back up, and I was so much less stressed, I even felt happy at times.”

“But then, well, you know what happened. Before the police seized it, I managed to get a sizable amount of it, enough to hopefully last the rest of the school year. But I needed more than before to achieve the same effect, and I was losing jobs, which meant I was losing money. And you guys kept needing to be bailed out, so my money went to that rather than my tuition. And, I lost my grip on the situation. I knew my time was running out, with what I’m doing, I figured I might as well make it quick and painless and get it over with now.” 

Keith sighed, looking back down at his hands again. “I’m tired of having to fight. I just want to rest.” 

Lance took a deep breath, trying to decide where to start. “Keith, you’re not just worth your grades. You’re so much more than that. You’re incredible, your mind is brilliant, and you’re so smart. When we’re all doing dumb shit, you are the one who keeps us grounded to reality. And I know that under all of that anxiety, is someone who’s wild and free and smart and- and you have the best heart out of all of us. When one of us is upset, you go out of your way to make sure they’re okay. And we all listen to you. Most of the time, anyways.” 

Keith snorted in amusement, so Lance counted it as a win. “I know your grades are important, but if they dropped a little bit, you’ll still be fine. And you’ll be happier for it. We can help you too. Come back to our study sessions. Stop working. I know Pidge is running some sort of drug scheme and that he’s becoming filthy rich because of it, I’ll force him to start paying for what we need. And I’ll convince Pidge’s parents to give you a full scholarship, or Sven’s parents to pay it in full. You’ll be okay, okay? As long as you stay clean and stay with us.” 

Fat tears were rolling down Keith’s cheeks, and he nodded, leaning into Lance’s arms for a hug. They don’t know how long they stayed up there, with Keith chanting “Thank you” into Lance’s sweater and Lance muttering “Stay with us” into Keith’s ear. But frankly, Keith was more important than whatever class he was missing. 

* * *

Lance, true to his word, managed to wrangle Pidge into agreeing to pay for any bail money or the expense for any liquor or coffee they needed. (While Lance was willing to push Keith off of his heroin addiction, he was not willing to risk being pushed off of a rooftop because he messed with Keith’s caffeine.) Because of some system bullshit, Pidge’s parents couldn’t offer any more scholarships to Keith, but Sven’s parents agreed to pay for everyone’s tuition, because “It would be bad publicity for Sven to be associated with people who had debt.” 

Lance also handed over the heroin hidden in Keith’s sock drawer (which was a bad spot, seriously, hasn’t he watched Breaking Bad?) over to Pidge, who was excited to have new products to sell off. Lance reiterated that he was going to have to pay his own bail money if he was caught, but Pidge was generous enough to give Sven the password to his bank account. (Only Sven though. He didn’t trust anyone else.) He also forced Keith onto a better sleep schedule and diet, which did wonders for his health. A solid seven hours of sleep and two square meals a day with liberal amounts of snacks. Which wasn’t ideal but Lance was going to take what he could get. 

And Keith was getting better. He wasn’t completely fine, he never was going to be, but he wasn’t suicidal. He was physically better, and he was recovering mentally as well, going to see a therapist twice a week. They had rules in place about how much caffeine he has in a given day, and he still has nightmares every week, but he was getting better. He was making progress. 

Lance was still careful, they all were, but the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter. They were all getting better, more hopeful, happier. 

Hopefully it continued to get better once they were finally out among the stars. 


End file.
